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Coffee Considerations

There's no such thing as too much or too fast. Keeping safely short of obviously self-destructive behavior, moderation is relative. There are no empirical limits, only personal choices and preferences weighted against the accepted set of society's choices and preferences. What are sense and sensibility but vapid reflections of a given time and place? They call sense "common" for a reason. Propriety is colloquial, even jingoist. Excess is a state of mind.

And so with coffee. I've now grown tired of too often, from too many different people, being met with surprise at the speed with which I finish my cup. It's ludicrous; people, it's coffee. Here are four reasons coffee must be consumed quickly:

1) It's hot, mmmkay? You drink it hot. And like other hot substances, with the passage of time it will inescapably become less and less so. Some people like cold, stale coffee. I'm not one of them.

2) It's, what, 12 ounces of liquid? How long does it take to drink a can of soda?

3) This isn't 1885, we aren't in Vienna. We're not taking a leisurely drink and strudel while absently picking through Der Spiegel, glowering through an anguished, put-upon look. Coffee is fast food. Places like Starbucks and Peets are built around the premise of speed. This isn't a food for savoring; coffee is about taking care of business and getting it done.

4) And anyway, I don't drink coffee, almost never do. I get mochas or cappuccinos, which are a little bit of foam and a little bit of espresso added to a cup of hot milk. How long does, or should, it take to drink a glass of milk?


Likewise, how many is too many, who's to say? It's fair to say I drink at least one a day. Most days it's two, and the days with three are becoming more common. But what of it, what if I had six coffees today, eh? What are you going to do about it? What would the objection be based on?

Can it be objected to on financial grounds, as an ostentatious and indulgent luxury too far, a waste of money? But that makes it okay for the rich, then?

What, over-caffeination as a medical issue? So that makes it okay for the fit? As a moral issue? Do we then excuse the pious?


Leave me to guzzle my eighteen daily coffees in peace, I will hear no more of these things.